Ignore the weird moving banners above. I don't know how to get rid of them and I don't think I can because I am using this free webpage service. I think the only way you can get rid of them is to pay the extra fee to spare you the eyefulls of jiggling banners for hemarrhoid and rectal itching and "warning, your computer may be infected with a virus!" sheeeesh....
You've come to the right place if you want to know the stuff the TOURIST BOOKS don't tell you! That's right. You won't find this stuff published in any book or magazine! Why am I doing this? Because I like to find weird, offbeat places myself, and wish there were more websites with weird, practical, offbeat information, like: where do all the hookers hang out? or...how should I dress so I don't look stupid??
This is an ongoing love/hate affair. I had these pages up on another site and got sick and tired of it after putting in long hours and tediously writing articles after articles (those are included below as "archived links"). Now instead of yours truly going out of her way to provide you with restaurant reviews, store reviews, club reviews, I'm just going to put general information here and you can do the other investigating on your own. I am too broke to eat out anymore, way to busy and way too married to go clubbing.
You notice these pages are not fancy!! That's 'cause I don't have the time. Graphics and all that take too much of your time and my time and I'm not selling anything...I'm just getting information across. And now for the goodstuff...I'll put the archived stuff up first.
THE BASICS: How to get around on Hawaii (Island of Oahu, specifically):
Mountain Biking/Cycling on Oahu
HOW TO EAT WITHOUT GOING BROKE AND MAYBE SO...
OK!! Now for the non-vital information! Like, "how should I dress so I don't look stupid??" Here are the FAQS (Island of Oahu only):
The hookers used to hang out in China town - but I don't know too much about them since I stopped hanging around there. Tourists looking for hookers, beware! You may end up with a mahu (pronounced mah-hoo), or a transvestite. They generally hang out in Chinatown and Kuhio Avenue in Waikiki, but since Hawaii Police Dept moved into Chinatown, less hookers can be seen flaunting their stuff. Some seedy hookers hang out in Wahiawa Town but beware...too many dead mahus end up on the 6-o-clock news after some young guy (most likely the young horney military guys) finds out there's a pecker down below. Best bet? Forget the hookers! Try your hand by going to the bars and picking up someone real that you don't HAVE TO PAY for sex. Sheesh. Or if you are those rich guys who can't get a date and don't mind paying top dollar, look in the yellow pages under "escort services". Everyone knows they hook on the side.
The most stupid tourist outfits look like this: tacky aloha shirt (polyester), baseball cap, Bermuda shorts, knee-high socks and loafers. GACK!! Or try this: tacky aloha muumuu (long Hawaiian gown butchered by the tourist industry), plastic flower lei, pink lipstick, woven grass shoulder bag. URK!! Runners up are matching aloha outfit, white nose sunblock, plastic flower leis and those idiot shirts that say "My Grandma Went to Hawaii and all I got was this stupid shirt!". Whatever you do...DON'T WEAR THOSE KNEE-HIGH SOCKS WITH YOUR SHOES if you are a guy. Pleeeze. How do most locals dress? Like slobs: T-shirt, shorts and rubber slippers. Make sure the T-shirt is used and worn, make sure the shorts don't fit too tight or loose (you know those stupid trendy "grunge" shorts that hang way down), and wear rubber slippers, you know, those things you call "flip flops" or "rubber thongs". Women: wear the same thing. If you are really fat, please make sure your stomach is covered! No flab should be sticking out!! I am serious, you'll get sunburned flab. It ain't a pretty sight.
Stay out of Kalihi, Papakolea, Waianae, Makaha, Waipahu, Wahiawa town after dark, Chinatown after dark. Also, do not think this is paradise and start making out on the beach after dark. Tourists are easy targets for muggers and rapists on the beach mooching away under the moonlight. Same goes for camping. If you don't know the area, don't camp out.
If you are invited into someone's home here in the islands, don't make the mistake of traipsing through the house with your shoes on. BAD TABOO! Take your shoes off! Even if you think it is weird. DO IT. And don't make a point of it. You know how tired we locals get when we hear things like, "that is sooo weird! we don't do this back home". That's right. Now take your shoes off! We think it's weird that you all wear shoes into your home and onto the carpet, tracking in mud and dogshit and gum that you stepped on outside. GROSS!
Also, take some kind of gift if you are visiting a friend, any kind of gift from your part of the country. If you are invited to dinner, take something, anything! Go to the grocery store and get a bottle of wine. If they don't drink, then get a bunch of flowers (don't take a lei unless its a birthday, graduation, wedding, etc) and some cake. Just don't show up empty-handed. That's not local style. Even if they say..."oh don't worry about it!" You better worry about it. Showing up to someone's house for dinner or a party without anything is UNCOOL!!
Of course we do! What a dumb question...actually, when I was living in Florida, I had people asking me (I swear I am not making these up): do you all have american dollars? You speak very good english for a Hawaiian! Do you all live in grass shacks? One couple didn't know Hawaii was part of the USA. Sheeeesh.
Don't chance trying to get high while you are here. I know you have heard of the legendary Maui Wowie and the Kauai Electric, but unless you have connections, don't bother. If you really are desperate, take up surfing lessons and hang out with the surfers. Forget buying it on a street corner. Chances are its oregano, basil or dill weed, or a cop.
Waikiki. Polynesian Cultural Center (although very informative). Sealife Park (you should boycott those cruel dolphin shows anyhow), any luau. Any dinner boat/sunset cruise. Hanauma Bay. Renting those idiotic and dangerous motor scooters. Pali lookout. Blowhole (last month a visitor from California? drowned at Halona Blowhole. The local man told the kid "get away from there" and ignored the local. When the blowhold shot off, the teen got swept away and drowned to death).
Untouristy places to sight see/have fun/drinks: Honolulu Academy of Arts, Contemporary Art Museum (try a lunch there), Hawaii Opera Theater, 3660 on the Rise for Martini Hour (the best), Waimea Bay (do it on the weekdays...forget trying to find parking on weekends. Also do go in the summer time when the waves are not big), Dillingham Airfield (try the glider rides), Kaena Point (don't leave valuables in car and park at the end and walk all the way to the point..hot and dusty), Makapuu Lighthouse (park along the road and be prepared to walk a long ways uphill...you can see whales in Feb/march from way up top), Lyon Arboretum in Manoa, Tantalus/Roundtop drive (tourists go up here in a bus but you can drive yourself), the all-famous untouristy touristy best kept secret to experience the old south pacific type bar??? La Mariana yacht club. Hard to find, but well worth it. Dinner is a little pricey and not that great but the views at sunset with the piano bar and tiki torches and peacock chairs, wonderful! Where is it you ask? Find it yourself! You'll get lost anyway.
They are Hawaiian names, that's why they are hard to pronounce.
Land is at a premium on Oahu. Remember, it was all stolen away by those greedy settlers and now over-run with even greedier developers. Back in the 80's we can blame the Japanese nationals for going on a land buying rampage and purchasing up everything in sight. Rent/mortgage/hotel rooms are expensive here as a result. But I don't think it's worse than, let's say...New York City or even San Francisco for that matter.
Move here if you like small places (homes, apartments, places to park your car, etc.). The traffic is bad too, but I heard it was worse in parts of California and New York and New Jersey. At least the traffic moves here, albeit very slowly. Be prepared to spend $400,000 plus for a decent, single family home. Anything under probably won't fit your standard if you are used to a medium sized home in good condition, fairly new. Commuting to work shouldn't take more than an hour one way if you leave early. Schools are usually close by and education here in Hawaii is about average. Private schools tend to do better wth educating their students (sorry, I am speaking from experience). The best thing about Hawaii is the weather. Nice! I can't get over folks who say Hawaii is so humid and muggy. Sure, it is during the summer, but have you ever been to the south in summertime?? Hawaii is a LOT better than Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisanna, etc. And the winters are great too. You can wear shorts all year round and not worry about shoveling snow, slipping and falling on ice, warming up your car half hour ahead, etc! You pay the price for a near-paradise, that's for sure.
STAY TUNED FOR MORE HAWAII SECRETS...
8-6-02